Hello again,

I have been wondering what to write about and have ideas, but I’m quite tired and thinking about these various ideas gets me quite stressed and wound up.

One of the ideas for a blog post I have been meaning to write about for quite a while. However, it’s making the time to sit down, write it out then edit it… and it’s about making the time to do this.
I am not lazy. I just really struggle with breaking things down and making tasks seem less cumbersome and scarily huge. I have friends who run their own business, create apps, do photography, write, on top of doing another job. I find this incredible. I then have friends who go to uni and have a job and other additional things going on.

I often find myself asking ‘when do you sleep?’ they then laugh and ask what’s sleep? One of them schedules in time to relax. Now she’s smart.

I struggle with time, it is a concept I find infuriating, it gets me angry when I can’t do all the things other people do. Because, where’s the time?

But then I am reminded by these same people that I do a lot. I work within the confines of what I am able, that is smart. I just need to recognise this more. I need to be kinder to myself. Remember that the difficulties I face are different to others. That I can pursue my passions, providing I don’t overdo it.

One thing I am doing now is setting myself an alarm labelled ‘shoes’. It is set for 10 minutes before I need to leave the house for work. 10 minutes to put shoes on you say? yes. I need 10 minutes because I wear Dr Martens and they are an effort to lace. Remember I am visually impaired, I have very little co ordination due to my Dyspraxia and on top of this my curved spine makes it very uncomfortable when leaning over to tie laces.

Talking of overdoing it. Today I got up at 8:30, made a cup of tea and couldn’t decide if going back to bed was a good idea. I sat and watched Frasier. I then changed my sim contract and got a cracking deal. Then I put a wash on, put some clothes away and wondered what’s next? The time 11:30? I decided to finish watching a video online and make a phone call. No one answered. So I decided to get on with writing this. The time? 2pm. I am sitting down because my back hurts. Yet I feel like I should be vacuuming or doing the washing up.

Yesterday I went for a sport massage. My back hurts today, but it feels so much better. Over the next few days my muscles will calm down and they will ease off. I need to book in for another appointment in 4 weeks time.

A lot of my tiredness comes from a variety of areas.

Visually Impaired: using what vision I have is exhausting, it’s to just the looking, but the processing of information.

Nystagmus: feeling like you’re on a round about can be draining. Then there’s the neck pain because you have to hold your head at an angle which puts pressure on your neck muscles.

Scoliosis: Leaning to one side and having your muscles scrunch up over a period of time meaning movement becomes limited and painful. Which also causes mental stress as well.

Dyspraxia: Co ordination is a massive thing for me. Just thinking about pouring the kettle is hard. Tying shoes, walking, going up and down stairs… basically any form of movement is hard.

Dyscalculia: Numbers are not my friend. Ask me to give you £4.45 change from a £10 note and I will take my time. Counting backwards on a clock? Reading a bus time table? We’re meeting at what time? I’m terrible. Not because I’m lazy, but because I cannot cope with numbers.

I suppose my whole purpose were is to tell you about why I find people doing so many things in life amazing. I genuinely cannot fathom how people do it. I find socialising to be exhausting. How people do all this adult living is incredible to me.

I wish I could.

That’s where using alarms labelled ‘shoes’ comes in. Or organising a batch of lunches a few days in advance, rather than going out for lunch at work. Setting reminders on my phone to write my blog, to remember to ask when Rachel is free for a coffee, my only current reminder is to purchase AirPods Pro after pay day. Time will always be something I struggle with.

Thank you again for reading, please email me with any questions you have. I’ll try get back to you as soon as I can, however, given this email, I’ll need to set a reminder.

Twitter: @PhilippaB
Instagram: @VisuallyImapiredPip
email: randommusings@gmail.com

If you’re interested check out @lifewithanaïs. She’s published. While her page is not focusing on disability, she is writing about, speaking about, important issues. She is educating people and using her voice to enact change. I am so glad I have her as a friend.